Sure, he looks super cute and his laugh melts hearts, but he’s turned into a bit of a… how shall I put it? Asshole.
He is in the thick of potty training and seems to hold it until he can pee all over something I really don’t want him to pee all over.
He screams “Goddamn!” while running amok through stores.
He runs into traffic giggling diabolically.
He gets out of his room a hundred times a night.
He tells the Detective that he doesn’t love him.
He’s added “What the hell?” to his list of things he says that are totally inappropriate.
He hides silently in the middle of clothing racks until we truly begin to thinks he’s been abducted.
He pours water out of the bathtub.
He steps into the toilet.
He dumps every single piece out of every single board game and puzzle that we own. Then stirs.
He unbuckles his car seat while we are driving.
He dumps out a Costco bag of Cheerios all over the house, tiny dust and all.
He tries to flush half a roll of toilet paper and giggles when it overflows.
He tries to clean up a poopy accident that results in just smearing it into several places in the carpet.
He does not follow any instructions. None.
He doesn’t like to get dressed. Or wear anything from the waist down.
I needed to read this right now. Today I carried my newborn in the Bjorn AND my horrible, horrible 2 year-old home on my hip because she WOULD NOT WALK. I almost threw her into traffic…. These kids. Why do we have them?!
hahaha thanks for the laugh. i have sons 4 and 2 and i’m just done with this stage with the 4 and just heading into it with the 2. i’m passing this on to my sister who just told me her 3 yo daughter unbuckled herself this afternoon.
I hope your son’s behavior has improved a bit. As a mom of 3 grown kids and sitter to many, I can only share my observations. Kids act up out of boredom, especially if they are very smart or to get attention.
Children love to be busy and learn new things. If you are a stay-at-home parent, try to get a daily and weekly routine to add predictability as well as new experiences.
For instance, maybe Monday is visit the library and food shop, trying a new fruit or veggie each week. Maybe Tuesday is visit Grandma or a friend with a visit to a playground beforehand to tire the little guy out a bit. The predictability gives them something to look forward to. The new experiences quench their thirst for knowledge.
Let him ‘help’ around the house every day, with your constant supervision. And then thank him with a big smile and maybe brag a bit within his hearing to someone else about the good job he did. My ‘wild’ child loved to help me wash the kitchen floor, wearing his snow boots for traction (his idea), yes, it took me twice as long but it tired him out and he was so proud. Today he is a very clever college student studying computer science, doing such complicated stuff it amazes me that I’m his mom.
The other need that is quite strong in some children is to get regular physical exercise. Twice a day, weather permitting make sure he is outside for a walk or a run around the yard chasing a ball with your supervision and participation for extra fun. Some children I’ve sat were absolutely wild without some exercise first. Even if you are stuck indoors there are imaginative ways to get exercise, like a relay race carrying a soft toy or a crawling race. Timing children with a watch always entertains them.
The best book on changing your child’s behavior for the better is John Rosemond’s book , a six point plan on raising happy, healthy children.
Hang in there, they grow up fast!
I am exhausted just reading this. He doesn’t sound like much fun to parent. Mine is not the popular opinion I’m sure, but I am old school and I would spank his behind. Not brutalize him, but pop him a stinger right on his butt cheeks. Some of his behavior could cause him harm, and you as parent are responsible to protect him. If talking to him, giving him time out or any of the other ” very modern progressive” suggestions you’ve gotten don’t work. Rip him a good one on his tail end!
This is a much needed bit of humorous sanity for all us challenged moms out there.
I just have to say, for my own mental health, loudly and clearly: HITTING CHILDREN IS WRONG! ALWAYS. EVERY TIME. FOR ANY REASON.
There is plenty of neuroscience to back this up. Hitting = Fear = Adrenaline = Stress = Poor behavior = MORE HITTING.
STOP THE MADNESS.
My girls do a lot of this stuff too (not so much of the bathroom stuff thank goodness!). Really, the only difference is my girls prefer chips over cheerios – what a mess! My middle child actually practices her evil laugh while doing some of these things LOL.
It’s totally normal for kids to push boundaries (for all those who chimed in saying something is wrong). They’ll understand what pains in the butt they were when they have kids and it happens to them LOL. I’ll be waiting to que my evil laugh when I’m the grandma they call to tell me about it. Bahh haa haa!
I am a little concerned at the title of this…are you actually trying to give your 3yr old son away? How horrible! If not, i hate to say this but..it only gets worse at 4 and 5 and 6 etc. wait until he’s 13 and your picking him up from the police station.. it sounds to me like he is getting the bad words from someone else, children dont know these words unless they hear them. Maybe you should try to refrain from using those words around him and maybe even “tapping” him in the mouth when he uses those words. You know, that thing that the public and government say we arent allowed to do any more..smack your children. THATS WHY THEY ARE SO BAD!! BECAUSE WE ARENT ALLOWED TO BEAT THEIR ASSES ANYMORE!!! Any loving mother smacks their kids ass every now and again.
steps into the toilet lol what a mess. gotta love kids
LMFAO!! Sounds exactly like my 3yr old son. I blame it on the “3rd time’s the charm” rule. He’s my 3rd boy, and a holy terror. His older brothers weren’t even HALF as unruly as my Boo Boo is.
So to hell with the naysayers and the “holier than thou” parents (they’re probably the same assholes who flipped out that your boy was Daphne for Halloween) I feel your pain and I really did laugh out loud when I read this post; because it’s EXACTLY what I think at times. =D
Ah, good times. I was just telling my mom the other day that I keep waiting for it to get easier, but it just gets different. (3 girls – 5, 3 & 1)
Yes folks, we love our kids. And sometimes we hate being moms. That’s life. We can feel both, sometimes even at the same time!
Cop’s Wife… thanks for your honest take, and frankly, thanks for the laugh on a rough day!
I think I have Squirts twin living at my house…. :-)
I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Thanks for that.
This blog is FUNNY. It normalizes frustrating things that are NORMAL. Jesus H!
Kudos to you for getting people to talk. They judge so quick and so harsh. They must be pretty miserable people!
You are an amazing, awesome, inspiring, and hilarious momma!
You lost me at “3 year old BOY”.
I just want to say, I LOVE YOU. I wrote this a while ago, and I think it was about the same thought process you had. You might enjoy reading it. I enjoyed writing it. :)
http://survivingour20s.blogspot.com/2010/10/there-are-no-shortages-of-mommy-blogs.html
Okay all of you people who are so mad that she is calling her child an asshole need to get in your thick skulls that she TYPED the word and didn’t actually call the kid that to his face! I’m sure some of you people with kids have at one point or another gotten frustrated and when the kid was out of the room and your were ranting to another person referred to him/her as not such a nice name. Don’t even lie. Because young kids can be nothing more then little shits and assholes. You’re not these perfect moms and dads you seem to be glorifying yourselves as I can assure you, because nobody is and honestly it would be hell to be raised by prissy, good-two-shoes parents. I’m glad my parents were a little unconventional at times because it made for an interesting childhood! Shit goes wrong and you know what? That is the beauty of life.
Also people that are against this punishment thing like soap for his bad words…really? I mean she doesn’t even have to use it but I know when my parents threatened to make me eat soap for using a bad word I didn’t use that word and I never ate soap! All of you people with kids now probably were raised in the time when spankings were okay, did they really damage you that much? Because with the way you’re acting now I think a few of you could have used a couple more. You can only talk so much before you need to take some action and sometimes a spanking is the only way to get your point across. I am not saying it should be used often, I personally only had to be spanked twice as a kid, but they sure are effective usually.
I hate the way kids get away with everything nowadays because suddenly just about any form of punishment is “child abuse.” Well if I ever have kids, which I probably won’t because honestly I don’t see them as blessings really at all but instead little demons who limit you, you can mark my words that I will be giving them a swat or two if they deserve it (and trust me they will). I’d hate to baby-sit for any of you bitches who think your kids are these perfect little angels because those are typically the worst children I ever meet. Your kids are NOT perfect, you are NOT perfect, and she is NOT this awful person for being able to admit to those two things…get it?
This.
SO true and well put.